Crevecoeur 2 [08 Feb 2002|10:35am] [ mood | accomplished ] I thought it was funny how proud the farmer was of America. However, it seemed kind of odd that he was making his pride so evident in his letter to an Englishman. The tone he took almost seemed condescending toward anyone who wasn't American. You would think that if was trying to impress the Englishman, he would sound less superior. I wondered if parts of the farmer's letter were influenced by the minister or his wife. The minister could potentially have had a part to do in the section of the letter where the farmer mentions the fact that religion demands little of man. The wife could have had an influence in the writing of the letter in the part where he mentions pressing clothes with rose water. I liked the farmer's comparison of men to plants: "We are nothing but what we derive from the air we breathe." I also thought the way in which he compared the location of men to their status was clever. It was funny how the farmer referred to America as a "smiling country" and went on and on about how great a country was. But I wonder what he thought about the treatment of the Indians. Also, too, when he was saying that the American government was great, yet it couldn't control the lawless people of so extensive a land. Lastly, when he says that England was once like America (young and pure), does he also imply that America will soon become like England; the same England which he degrades? post comment

good deal [05 Feb 2002|02:22am] [ mood | optimistic ] ahh...i just finished talking to my two bffs...separately of course and about totally different things, but equally excellent...things are going to be ok... *same wavelength, just maybe different frequency* ( : and rest assured, i've taken my vitamin C, everything will be just peeshy, as long as i will be able to provide a sample in the morning 0: post comment

------------sighs----------- [04 Feb 2002|02:16am] [ mood | drained ] i feel...weird... i don't know, i just don't feel right. i was in church today and i was just thinking about stuff. and the priest was talking about happiness and how you become truly happy and what not. and i think to myself: i am truly happy. like i feel like i've found utter happiness. i don't know. i mean, obviously things aren't perfect, but i'm just really happy with things. i'm realizing new things everyday and i'm learning new things and i'm loving it. it's ridiculously weird. *i miss him* i'm wondering whether or not i should go home now. jazz said just come down and stay at her place, and that would be cool and all, but i don't know if i should bother. b.c. if i go down i would like to have people over on friday but it looks like everyone has school on monday so won't be coming home that weekend. azalea and pose definitely aren't coming home. nat and lenerd said they might, but i doubt they will. pash said she might, but i doubt that too since she's coming home the weekend before. i dunno, we'll see what happens. i mean even if it's like me bean and like a couple people from school and christina sabina and the boys, then whatever....i dunno...whatever... hmm so yea...things are weird with my roomate. i dunno...i was reading her journal and it was kinda sad cuz she was writing how we're different here...but then at the end she writes that "we're stronger than we let on." and i def think that's true. its just weird. cuz i guess in the beginning i kinda wanted us to have different friends. cuz i knew that we'd always have each other when it came down to it, like our friendship was strong enough er wutever. but now that we kinda do have different friends, its weird. i cant really describe it...but its weird seeing her chill w. people that i dont really chill w....i guess cuz ive usually been inclusive of the people she chills w., but now im really not. so its weird like living w. her in the same room but then both of us chillin w. dif. people....i dunno....i mean i was chillin w. all of them when they were watchin the superbowl..and they're all cool and everything...i mean i still dont like some of em, but most of em are still cool...i dunno...its just sometimes i feel like she looks down on me and stuff and i hate that...i dunno it's all so weird...cuz i know she's going to read this...but i dont want it to turn into one of those things where we hafta talk about it...cuz i dunno...i dont get what there is to talk about...i think im just sick of talking and fighting...cuz it seems like we've been doing a lot of that...and i dont get it...cuz u would think things would be resolved...and i think we act like they do, but things just start up again...and honestly...i cant get mad at her...i cant get mad at many people...but then when she starts w. the r u mad at me stuff...thattt gets me mad...i dunno im just very arghhhh...and i dont know what im talkin about er wut i want... and its weird cuz i miss my parents...i was watchin the halftime show...and they had this scroll of everyone who died on sept 11...and i just started thinkin bout that all over...and my sister and my dad....and how my sister asked my mom if she had a will...cuz my sister said she was "fazed" by the whole 9/11 thing...and that just made me think about wut would happen if somethin actually did happen to them...it was this huge relief when i found out they got to india ok...but now i have to wait a month....i hope they come back ok...i just want to hug my mom right now...i feel like a stupid little kid.... post comment

...de Crevecoeur... [03 Feb 2002|07:09pm] [ mood | okay ] Wow, I've kind of forgotten that the initial purpose of this journal is to write about things that we're reading in class. It's just that I'll read the assignment and think of what to write, but get totally sidetracked and forget to journal. *sorry*... Well anyway, I just finished reading this Letter II from LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN FARMER "On the Situation, Feelings, and Pleasures of an American Farmer." It was...interesting. I don't know, in relation to the class, I understood how the beginning related to the whole concept of the American Dream and success and what not. It was interesting how the speaker was able to look beyond comparing himself to English farmers and realize that what he actually possessed was good, was great for that matter. I was amazed at the passion that he expressed at certain parts concerning his love for life, his wife, and his son. ("When I contemplate my wife,...I cannot describe the various emotions of love, of gratitude, of conscious pride, which thrill in my heart and often overflow in voluntary tears" (pg. 53).) It is also interesting how, after expressing his happiness with his family, he goes on to cite the source of his importance as the land he works on. Here, he poses an odd balance between family and material objects, and I'm not sure he understands the true source of his happiness. I wonder if he would be happier as a poor man with the same family or as a successful, yet lonely farmer. I suppose here is where the balance between material (land) and abstract (love) come together to form the American Dream. Come to think of it, I honestly don't think my "American Dream" would be fulfilled if it weren't for a combination of material objects and abstract feelings. I guess I had never really thought about it. I mean, people always say happiness is the most important thing, but honestly, how many people would give up living comfortably without losing some degree of happiness. I don't want to sound superficial, but I suppose you can look at the issue from a lot of different angles. As for the rest of the Letter, I didn't really understand why he talked about the wasps and hornets and birds so elaborately. Despite the fact that he said everyone lived in the same relative way, I didn't understand why he went into such detail with that portion of the story. I can assume he did it to show how such small, seemingly menial things were so important to him. post comment

~......wow wow wow......~ [01 Feb 2002|08:39pm] [ mood | calm ] wow. the past 5 hours have been ridiculous. it was sick how happy i was today. despite the fact that i hadn't showered and had a day full of classes, i was so incredibly happy. and it was that stupid happy that had no reasoning behind it, and i loved it. but i knew something bad was gonna happen...something bad always has to happen when everything is going great. so i was talking to him. and he was just like "oh...coming to ny...might be a no go." damn, i just went numb. i should've known better. he can't get a ride, and the bus is really expensive and his x-country coach is having some anniversary dinner or something. damn. our whole motto was don't get your hopes up and that's the one thing i forgot. so i just got mad. not mad at him, or the fact that he wasn't coming. but mad at myself and the fact that what he said had such an effect on me. and i hate it. because i see how much i depend on him and how much i like him. and i hate it. because i hate being dependent on people. because then stuff like this happens and it kills me. and i feel retarded because i was all like i want to be with him and stuff; now i realize how hard being with him would actually be. because it would entail me looking forward to seeing him MAYBE once a month if anything? and then even then who knows what will happen. i don't know. i just went to bed and tried to forget about everything. then i woke up and tried to explain to my roomate and payal. but i don't think i was too coherent. so i went running. it was good. i think i just figured out some stuff. like the fact that ok, i am dependent on him, and that i do like him, and no matter how scary that thought is, whatever, it's there and i can't deny it. so just let it happen. whatever it is. when i got back i was actually feeling pretty good. but my roomate and everyone were getting ready to go to the comedy club. i kinda wanted to go to the club, just because i've never been to one before. and because i haven't hung out with my roomate in a while. but o well. i think it's too late for me to start hanging with all those people. they already have their own thing set up. ah well. it kinda sucked that she went to the club. but it's not like i was gonna make her stop doing everything to chill w. me. cuz i'm prolly not gonna do anything. whatever yo, it's all good. it was really weird though. cuz after i talked to him i had that oh my god i just want to cry feeling. not necessarily because of him, but just because i haven't in a while. and i just went in to take a shower and started to cry. it was so weird. but it was like one of those good cries. i mean not that i feel all wonderful again. but i feel good. and then payal comes in before and was like were you crying before? and i was like yea, but i'm fine. then she goes "i can never picture you crying, you seem so strong." i thought that was kind of weird. i guess i just give off this totally other impression of how i really am. which is kind of cool. haha. now if only i could find something to do... post comment

... ... [01 Feb 2002|03:41pm] [ mood | crushed ] how is it possible for someone to be so incredibly happy for absolutely no reason...but then feel the exact opposite when someone utters a few words in passing that have so much more unfathomable depth ? *i hate dependence* post comment

...^*^~it's been a long time~^*~ [30 Jan 2002|10:28pm] [ mood | excited ] oo i haven't updated my journal for a while...and my roomate has been yelling at me to...so hear i am, eating my orange and listening to live as my roomate and i prepare for our much awaited floor meeting, to begin at 10 pm SHARP according to our lovely RA BeSs. Hmm so let's see... Yesterday was a ridiculous day. I woke up at 830 for my 830 lecture and fought the urge to skip it and go back to sleep. No no, I was good, I went to lecture. No more missing classes this semester. *new leaf new leaf* Then, I spent 3 hrs in a Bio lab repeating an experiment 5 times because our machines were broken. And I had spent 2 hrs on a prelab report that I didnt even have to do, so annoying. Then, after a much rushed lunch, I ran to SMG discussion where I was greeted by a pop quiz on a case I hadn't read. My luck...haha... But then things got a little better. I went to starbucks and read my writing assignment. Having that little feeling of accomplishment, I went running and came back to find vic and sonny and my roomate in our room watching the state of the union address. I think i should start reading or watching the news, figure out what's going on in the world. Well, after a while everyone left and it was just me and my roomate chillin like a couple of bob dylan(s) and then she asked one of those random questions that you knew had lots and lots of thinking behind it. And we started talking about a lot of stuff. And, I dunno, it's weird that as I look back on it, I'm actually starting to understand the feelings that she's feeling. Cuz i kinda feel em too. And I never pictured myself being able to understand certain things that my friends went through, but now...I do...and it's kind of weird/cool that i do because it kind of shows that i'm growing up...and as much as i would like to deny the fact, i guess i'm starting to accept it. Then, i went to my little snoop dawg's room because he needed some help coordinating an outfit for his presentation today. *boys are so cute* so i gave him my advice and was going to go read some bio but somehow, for some reason, i ended up staying. and it was so weird b.c. we ended up talking for a while. and it was one of those things where we both knew we had to go and do our thing, but then one of us would bring up something else and start a whole new conversation. it was really nice. i think i figured out a lot of stuff. like since i'm unsure about the whole V thing, i just shouldn't, not right now at least. and i shouldn't let whatever he said make me think that i should think the same way. but i think i wanna be with him, if he asks. that would suck if he didn't ask, i'd feel mad stupid. but if and when he does, i think i'll say yes. just because i think i need him in my life right now and i think it will be a good thing for me. i don't want that hook up thing anymore. i think i'm ready for this... ahh and then, some two hours later and watching eugene strip for bed, i went to the lounge and read a chapter of bio...*accomplishment 2*...*score* and then i had the nicest sleep in the world... and when i woke up today i went to class. i managed to not fall asleep...*accomplishment 3*...when i was walking from class to class, i was just thinking about everything. and i'm just really happy. about everything. b.c., whatever, things aren't perfect, they're beyond perfect. but i'm just really happy with things. i love all my classes. they're smaller this semester and people participate and i'm not as intimidated by my professors. and i'm really happy that i'm learning the things that i'm learning now. not just in my classes, but in life. i know my roomate and i have been fighting on and off a lot recently, but they're good fights. fights where i learn just a little bit more about her and about stuff. so it's cool. b.c. i'm doing my own thing, and getting stuff that i have to get done done. but then i'm totally evolving inside in this way i would have never thought. i think i'm becoming stronger in a way, realizing that i have to do certain things, i have to feel certain feelings, i just have to...and thinking about everything just gets me all excited... Then, i went to chem lab lecture and the boys showed up and it was nice. because we were just joking around and being stupid. i like those kids. Then, i came back and ate lunch with Payal. she's another cool chick. but then when i came back my roomate got all wuah wuah with me b.c. i said i couldn't go w. her to the BPL. so i went to the gsu and read my smg...*accomplishment 4 i think*... So, when i come back, i just my away message and i have all these messages. and my roomate is warning me of something, but i didn't really know what. but first i got a couple of comments on my away message, which was just a bunch of random thoughts. people said they liked it...*aww thanks*...and then he said that he was sorry if one of them reffered to him and left me some weird, yet oddly humorous story...and then, at the climax, my roomate left me a straight up hating away message letter. i was kind of confused. but we kind of talked about it. but after reading it again, i'm still kind of confused. she said i didn't understand. but i don't understand what i don't understand, if that makes any sense. and she said her life was moving in this weird direction. i wonder what kind of weird direction she was talking about...ima have to ask her... so i went running, and came back, and here i am writing away. it's funny how me and my roomate showed up late for our 10 pm SHARP floor meeting...it's funnier that we live across from the lounge where the meeting was...it's funniest that when we opened the door and everyone heard our music really loud they looked at us and BeSs gave us the look of death and we started to laugh and everyone else laughed..or at least they laughed inside, you could see it on all their faces...haha ahh, ok, well my orange is done, so ima go take a shower. Prof. Blair, if you actually read this, i realize it has nothing to do with class, but i'm utilizing it as a class/life journal. so just disregard anything you see here. I'll have a nice entry for you tomorrow. As for now, I'm off to the wonderful world of communal showers...only to await a lovely stripper who will be coming to 15B ( : 1 comment|post comment

~*today was...interesting*~ [27 Jan 2002|01:57am] [ mood | happy ] aww...today was nice...i got back from worchester early. holy cross was fun, i love my lil pose...her friends are great...i have shat written all over me and it's never coming off. haha. then i met up with my bio group. o man this is going to be interesting, working w. little "my mommy (aka hey lady) is a nutritionist so don't worry about it." then i talked to lil anoop. then i read a little. my roomate and other two friends ended up coming back from worchester later than they were supposed to bc the idiots missed the train...haha...well then my roomate came back and then we kind of got in a fight...this roomate of mine...haha...hopefully she's not too drunk right now. i dunno where she is. hmm...then me and payal went to jillians and played pool with the boys. o man it was great. i am so bad. but one day, ONE DAY, i will be an amazing pool player. you watch. but those boys are fun to just hang out with. it was good times. and then i came back. and now i'm watching blind date waiting to call my boy back. he had to go to the bathroom. haha. i think he's had enough time. ima go call him now...cyA ( : post comment

...the end of the great gatsby... [24 Jan 2002|11:09pm] Wow, I'm quite upset right now. I just finished writing my entire journal entry on this thing and then I don't know what happened, but now it's not here any more. *sigh* I guess I'm going to have to start all over now... So, I finished the book. I had read it before, so nothing was really a surprise to me, it was interesting how I noticed things that I hadn't noticed before, though. As I read, I couldn't help but feel sorry for Gatsby. The poor guy just got more and more pathetic, especially after the accident when he wouldn't leave Daisy's house. I admire his perseverence and everything, but there's a limit. Feeling sorry for Gatsby also made me dislike the Buchanans more. I didn't like the way Daisy teased the men. Granted, after Gatsby didn't come back from the war for a while she realized she couldn't wait around forever and, rightly so, got married to Tom. However, once Gatsby returned after five years, she should have made the decision to either leave Tom and go with Gatsby or stay with Tom, not play around with Gatsby's heart like she did. I also began to wonder about Tom. Did he really love Daisy? or Myrtle? or is it possible that he loved them both? I thought the way in which Eckleberg's eyes seemed to symbolize/represent God was interesting. It was almost as if he had seen everything that was going on: Tom having his affair with Myrtle, the accident, etc. I also noticed a couple of ironic scenes. Gatsby's proud father says that his son would have "helped build up this country" (176). I wonder what Gatsby Sr. would have thought if he actually knew what his son did (i.e. illegal business?). Also, when Nick goes to Wolfsheim's office, the door says "The Swastika Holding Company." Last time I checked, Wolfsheim was Jewish. What's the deal with that? I thought that was nice of old "owl-eyes" to come to the funeral. It was kind of random, making me think that he has some sort of symbolic significance, but what? Maybe innocence? I was also kind of surprised when Nick said that he was half in love with Jordan. I wonder if he really was... hm ooook, I think that's all for now. This entry wasn't as good as my other one, the one that got deleted magically, but it's pretty much the same...cyA...( : 2 comments|post comment

mY FiRsT rEaL EnTrY [24 Jan 2002|09:41pm] [ mood | indescribable ] Hmm, what a day. I just got back from running. I ran from West in eight minutes. I had a lot of frustration in me. Well, not really, just lack of understanding. Me and my roomate kind of got in a little fight today, not physical or anything, but some stuff was said. When I got back in from running, we had a little confrontation. But one of those good confrontations. She told me I hurt her and I tried to explain better what I had stupidly blurted out before. It was just a whole big misunderstanding that was brought to the fore. I'm glad it was. I wish we could've talked some more, but she just left to go out with her ex-boyfriend who hates me. I should go take a shower. But I'll be back to do my Writing diary, don't worry Prof. Blair... post comment

mY FiRsT rEaL EnTrY [24 Jan 2002|09:41pm] [ mood | indescribable ] Hmm, what a day. I just got back from running. I ran from West in eight minutes. I had a lot of frustration in me. Well, not really, just lack of understanding. Me and my roomate kind of got in a little fight today, not physical or anything, but some stuff was said. When I got back in from running, we had a little confrontation. But one of those good confrontations. She told me I hurt her and I tried to explain better what I had stupidly blurted out before. It was just a whole big misunderstanding that was brought to the fore. I'm glad it was. I wish we could've talked some more, but she just left to go out with her ex-boyfriend who hates me. I should go take a shower. But I'll be back to do my Writing diary, don't worry Prof. Blair... post comment

oOoOo [23 Jan 2002|10:28pm] ooo...how exciting...my first journal entry...my roomate has been telling me about this...she helped me set this up...she also saved me five dollars...*thanks roomate*...my friend from princeton is here...my roomate is braiding her hair...i am eating minestrone soup...i don't really know if i like it...i'm listening to the empire records soundtrack right now...that was a good movie...i should go do my chemistry...oookk...cyA ( : post comment

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